Having Friends Isn’t the Same as Belonging

By Lisa Stead, CEO, Trafalgar Education

I see a lot of articles across my social media feeds, across newspapers and TV programmes about young people’s mental health. Lots of talk about confidence, resilience, anxiety, screen time and social media. And it gives me genuine pause for thought.

I wonder if we talk enough about whether children feel that they have somewhere that they belong.

I recently went to an end of term showcase, over 120 children having the most amazing experience in a ‘real theatre’! It was joyous, the children had the best time, and I left smiling from ear to ear… but what really made the biggest impact? The voice over that started the show. The Principal of the school had recorded the children saying what they loved most about their drama class and one child simply said “…I have found the place that I belong”!! WOW! I still get goosebumps when I think about that moment.

Belonging is not just whether they have friends, if they are included in the class WhatsApp group or get invited to birthday parties. I’m talking about having somewhere they can walk through the door and feel that people know them, notice them, are genuinely pleased they are there, and where they are safe to be their true selves.

I think there is a difference. And as childhood changes, I think that difference matters more than ever.

Being connected isn’t necessarily the same as belonging

Young people today are extraordinarily connected. I wrote about the multitude of ways that our children have available to them to communicate in an article last month (LINK REF HERE). They can be in almost constant contact with friends, classmates and people they have never met, and they can find communities built around almost any interest or identity imaginable.

I believe that there are some genuinely positive things about that. For a child who feels different from the people immediately around them, discovering that there are others who think, feel or experience the world as they do can be incredibly powerful. I don’t think the answer is another simplistic argument that social media is bad and face-to-face interaction is good.

But being connected to people doesn’t necessarily mean that you feel you belong. You can have hundreds of connections and still feel lonely. You can have friends and still feel as though you are on the edge of the group. You can be surrounded by people every day and still not feel completely comfortable being yourself. I’ve been there, in fact, at

some point or another, I think we probably all have, over the years I have come to realise that, for me, belonging is the feeling that I have a place or a space somewhere. Young people themselves are telling us that these places matter. The Children’s Society’s Good Childhood Report 2025 found young people talking about feeling isolated in their wider communities and lacking opportunities and spaces to socialise. They described turning increasingly to digital spaces in search of community and a sense of belonging.

This does make me question whether we have created enough places for belonging to happen away from a screen.

Children need places where their presence matters

When I think about the places where I have really belonged throughout my own life, there is something they have in common. My presence mattered. If I didn’t turn up, somebody would notice. If I was struggling, somebody was likely to see it.

I wasn’t simply occupying the same space as other people. I was part of what was happening. I think children need that too, possibly more than adults. This isn’t simply something I have noticed. The Government’s Youth Matters: Your National Youth Strategy describes today’s young people as the most connected generation in history, but also the most isolated. The figures behind that statement break my heart. Around one in five 13 to 17-year-olds do not have a trusted adult outside their family, while a third of 10 to 19-year-olds report feeling alone or lonely some of the time.

One in five teenagers without a trusted adult outside their family. A third of young people feeling lonely or alone some of the time. I refuse to accept that as simply an inevitable part of growing up.

Where is belonging happening for those young people? Where, outside their immediate family, are they truly known? Where do they contribute, have other people rely on them, or know that somebody would notice if they didn’t turn up?

Because belonging isn’t just about being included

This is perhaps the part of the conversation that interests me most. Belonging is often spoken about as something a community gives to somebody. But I think we also develop a sense of belonging when we participate and contribute. There is an enormous difference between simply attending something and knowing that you are part of it.

A football team needs its goalkeeper. A choir needs the altos. A play doesn’t work particularly well if half the cast doesn’t arrive. A dance group relies on people knowing where they need to be and what happens next.

When children become part of something bigger than themselves, they learn that their contribution affects other people. There is responsibility in that, but there is also the knowledge that they matter. I think that is fundamental to belonging.

You shouldn’t have to be the best to belong

There is another element of this that matters to me. Children spend a great deal of their lives being measured. Grades. Tests. Teams. Sets. Awards. Followers. Likes.

There will always be places where achievement matters, and learning to strive for something is important. But children also need places where belonging isn’t conditional on being the best. One of the things I have always valued about the performing arts is that there can be room for very different people.

Not everyone needs to be the lead. One child might be an extraordinary dancer. Another might discover that they are brilliant at making everyone else laugh. Someone else might be the person who notices when another member of the group is struggling.

They all bring something. There is evidence that this kind of participation matters too. A 2025 peer-reviewed review of research into arts participation, social cohesion and wellbeing examined studies across 12 countries and found evidence that taking part in the arts can support social cohesion. Community participation, creating things together and building social relationships were among the recurring themes.

For me, this isn’t just something that exists in research. Across Stagecoach Performing Arts and Drama Kids, I have seen children arrive convinced that they aren’t “the sort of person” who performs and quite often what they discover isn’t a desire to be on a stage at all. They find a group of people with whom they feel comfortable being themselves.

They find their people. And that matters just as much, if not more!

The places between home and school matter

We understandably spend a huge amount of time talking about what happens in schools and what happens at home. But I think the places in between deserve more attention than they are sometimes given.

Sports teams, youth groups, drama schools, dance classes, choirs, Scouts and Guides, clubs, community organisations, faith groups and volunteering all give children opportunities to regularly encounter people who aren’t their family or their classmates.

They give young people the chance to discover another version of themselves.

A child who struggles academically might discover that they are a brilliant leader. The quiet child might discover that they have great comic timing. A child who doesn’t quite fit within one friendship group can find another community in which they do.

And when something goes wrong at school, as inevitably it sometimes will, their entire social world doesn’t have to collapse with it. There are other people who know them and another place where they belong.

The Government’s National Youth Strategy talks about rebuilding these kinds of opportunities, including community spaces, sports clubs, cultural activities and volunteering.

We should pay attention to that.

Do we need to think differently about extracurricular activity?

Even the word extracurricular is interesting. It suggests these experiences are additional, a nice-to-have that we fit around the important business of education.

I’m totally unconvinced by that.

Education should be about preparing children to navigate life, therefore learning how to become part of a community, contribute to something, build relationships with different people and develop a sense of who you are must surely be part of that preparation.

That doesn’t mean every child needs drama lessons. But I do think every child needs something beyond home and school that gives them the opportunity to find out who they are around different people, different ages, different perspectives.

Somewhere they aren’t simply watching or scrolling, but participating. Where their contribution matters; somewhere that notices when they aren’t there.

We rightly want young people to become confident and resilient. But perhaps before asking children to become more resilient, we should also ask whether we have built enough places around them where they feel supported, valued and known. I honestly believe that having people around you isn’t necessarily the same as belonging.

Every child needs somewhere they know they matter.